Surprise! It’s April Fools’ Day, which can only mean one thing — The Chronicle’s evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle, is back. This is the best reporting we’ve done all year!

So, why don’t you take some time off from trying to guess this year’s LDOC artist and posting about your ECON201 midterm on Fizz to check out this year’s selection of not-at-all-award-winning journalism?

News

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Chomicle uncovers list of changes to student life following super expensive Centennial concert

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Duke announces ‘victory over grade inflation’ following ShatGPT outage

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BREAKING: Upchat, Fuzz un-anonymize, exposing campus sh*t-stirrers

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Duke to switch back to cruder, harder-to-navigate version of Suckai following reports of student satisfaction with Can-dis

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Duke replaces C1s with fleet of Cybercars in line with Climate Commitment

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‘Vote for Goat’: Beloved basketball star sweeps DSG presidential election through last-minute write-in campaign

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President Spice taps Pulitzer winner Kindrick Lemur to lead new Provost’s Initiative on Civil Discourse

Sports

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‘We were wrong’: ACC names John Shire coach of the year, flipping earlier decision

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Duke athletics misunderstands students, gives lottery winners tickets to Six Flaggs instead of NCAA championship game

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Pickleball named varsity sport, Blue Zone completely bulldozed to make way for state-of-the-art complex

Recess

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Duke to sell Nasher, turn it into Nacho Bell-Bro Wipes one-stop shop

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Oskars transition to tournament-style voting process branded ‘March Sadness’

Opinion

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Why I sold my soul to MacKinsee